Originally Posted 6/19/06

EVIE'S BAPTISM
For those of you who missed Evie's baptism, I was asked to talk about Evie in relation to my faith and walk with God. This is what I said...
I’ve known two things since I was five years old, the first and absolute being that I am a chosen child of God. The second and almost certain being that I would one day be a mother. I’ve been through the typical hills and valleys associated with the "been a Christian all my life" path, through some rough patches in early high school, etc. Ultimately, God has always been a huge part of my life; even though I have not always kept Him front and center stage.
I began dating my husband during my Junior year of high school; while at first he saw me as "a cool chick", I of course began to assess whether or not he was husband and father material. It turned out that he was. I married Ben one month after I graduated from high school, my dreams of having a family were coming true. I immediately began to search for my identity as "the perfect wife". Once it became apparent that I could not cook and would not do laundry, I dedicated myself to a full time job, hoping to find that I was a savvy career woman. I quickly learned that the alarm clock was my worst enemy and I hated the 40 hour work week. I decided to go to school, my new identity would be "the perfect student". I really loved school, but still felt incomplete. In June of 2005 I found out that I was pregnant, I was elated! I immediately began to pick out names, fabrics, maternity clothes, the works! I would be the perfect mother!
My due date was February 25th, 2006, but on January 13th (a month and a half early) I went into premature labor. I went to the hospital where all efforts were made to stop my progress, but my baby was ready to come. On January 15th at 7:44 am, my baby girl was born. I was allowed to look at Baby Evelyn Grace for about ten seconds before they took her away from me for the next six days. I was devastated. I missed the "instant bonding" that I had anticipated. I met Evie for the first time when she was six hours old, a tiny 5 pounds 4 ounces, monitors all over, she was a tiny stranger to me. Everything felt strange and artificial, she did not seem like my own child. With all of the nurses caring for her, I wondered if Evie even knew that I was her mother. I longed for her to give me some sign that she acknowledged me as her parent, I wanted my new born to show me that she loved me. I remember Evie’s first bath in the NICU, she was crying and I began to speak softly in her ear. She stopped crying, and for the first time I realized that she knew me. Over the next several months I struggled with my relationship with "this baby", I was angry over the situation surrounding her birth, I felt disappointed at my lack of motherly warmth. I was soon forced to seek professional help for post pardom depression, it was not until a close friend suggested that perhaps I was angry with God did I realize the magnitude of my self centeredness.
As I had tried to control my situation, God had been in control since before the world began. As I longed for Evie to acknowledge me as her mother, God’s desire was for me to seek Him as my Heavenly Father. As I was so excited that Evie responded to my voice, I had ignored the very voice of the God of the universe. God showed me my own insignificance, my stupidity at finding my worth in the acceptance of a tiny new baby. God reminded me that He is sovereign, His plans have been in place since... forever. I am learning to delight in the days God has given me. Just as Evie is joyful at seeing my face every morning, I want to rejoice in the presence of my maker. God’s ways are sufficient for me - my identity is in Him alone. I am a child of God!